Wednesday, June 30, 2010


We had some pretty  nasty storms blow thru here last Thursday.  The power (and water) went out and wasn't restored until late Saturday.  Then a second storm blew thru Sunday night around 10 pm and we lost power again.  Scary is the sound the wind makes as its blowing onto the house.  Terrifying is the sound of trees (not branches....TREES) snapping apart like matchsticks.  Add total darkness to that and you've got the recipe for a full blown panic attack.  Another five minutes and I was headed for the secret stash of wonder drugs that I've got squirreled away (expiration dates be damned).

And yet, in the midst of all this, I kept thinking, "I'm alive.  This may suck and scare the shit out of me, but I'm alive.  And Pete is dead.  He will never feel another thing ever again." 

All weekend, no matter what I was doing, that was the reel that kept replaying.  And I was powerless to stop it.

Thursday, June 24, 2010


A friend and former co-worker took his own life over the weekend. 

I am sad that he thought that, whatever the problem was, it could not be resolved by any other means. 

I am angry at his selfishness and his decision to leave his young wife a widow and his young children fatherless.  He will never see them grow up, or get married, or lead a life all on their own.

The life path of so many people has been irrevocably altered because of one action by one person.

Pete - I hope you found the peace you were looking for.

Monday, June 21, 2010

thinking postitive

Make a list of successes.
List five things you’re doing now that you weren’t doing a month ago. 

  1. working on unpacking boxes
  2. entering what I eat into my tracker
  3. drinking more water
  4. walking every day
  5. eating more fruits & veggies

Thursday, June 17, 2010

circle game

I've been here before.  And I'll be here again.  Round and round I go.

What is it in my DNA that makes me feel 110%-fullspeedahead-COMMITTED to something.

And then.....not so much.

We've been in the house a year.  And I'm still not "living" there.  I've got a basement and a garage FULL of boxes...the "office" looks like an episode of Hoarders...and I still haven't found a ton of stuff.  Well - I know where the stuff is.  It's in the boxes, of course.

My professional life is in limbo - which is why I'm surprised that I, the consummate control freak, have left my personal to-do list in a state of perpetual disarray.  I have control over my personal life - I just have not done anything about it.

And I do know why.  I'm angry.  Angry in a selfish, stupid, childish, arrogant, and greedy way.  Angry at the world, and angry at myself.  But I'm still angry.  And the anger has manifested itself into every nook and cranny of my being.  I'm trying to let go of it.  Really.  But I just can't seem to shake it.

So, once again, I find myself trying to hit the reset button.

Have I mentioned that I've been here before?

My rational mind knows that the best way to eat the elephant is to take one bite at a time.  But when my emotional mind looks at the mountain of goals that I've irrationally set in front of me, I figure, it's all or nothing.  Succeed at all or fail.  I can't seem to find that area in the middle, where two steps ahead and one step back is not considered a failure.

I need to get my head right with this.  I need to let go of the anger, the sadness.  But how do you unwire and rewire your DNA?  I've got almost 40 years of living this way.  I know I must have been a happy kid.  A better person.  A different person.  Where did that seismic shift happen?  When?  Should I make a new set of goals and try to learn a new set of expectations?  If I put my mental "to do list" in writing, then it's concrete and can't be ignored, right?  Will that work??  WILL IT????