Luck, Faith & Love

i like big bundts 2011

2011-11-23T21:57:00.001-05:00

I tried to drown myself in margaritas...

but I thought it would be better to make a Bundt instead....

I looked at many different recipes before I settled on this one for a Key Lime Bundt Cake with Margarita Icing. I think it's the best dessert I've ever made. So I'm making another one tomorrow for Thanksgiving.

And don't forget to lick the beaters.....

Note - I made the aforementioned Bundt on National Bundt Day on 11/15/11. Due to the time-sucking constraints of my life/job or job/life, I hadn't had the opportunity to post as promptly as I had hoped....

Three months plus a few days into 39 Project.....and some other stuff, too

2011-04-10T16:52:00.002-04:00

Forgive me Father for I have sinned....it's been over a month since my last blog post......

Whoops! Wrong faith!!

Following along the oft-repeated tenet of "Though Shalt Not Blog Or Else Thine Luck Willst Turneth to Shit"....I have stayed away from my site......

It seems like this is a good, lazy Sunday to procrastinate the bill paying with the blog posting.....

Catching up in stream of consciousness order.....

I'm three months into my 39 Project. Maybe I've unpacked a box. Or two. Or not.

But I've been 75% faithful to WW (ok....maybe 65% is closer to it) and I've lost over 16 lbs.

And I'm nine weeks or so into C25K and TODAY I RAN FOR 30 MINUTES WITHOUT STOPPING....at a 4.0 pace...THAT'S TWO MILES! I'm well on my way to actually being able to run a 5K in Avalon at the end of this summer.....

I closed my office. And mourned the death of a job that shouldn't have died. I packed my shit up, kissed my office goodbye, and drove home in silence.

But the last week was maudlin fun.

"You want this"

"Sure"

"Well then, take it home tonight"

"OK"

(back and forth between my boss and I)

Did I mention that I'm now the proud owner of a serious set of kitchen cabinets that I rescued from my (now gutted) former office? A contractor-friend is taking me on as a pity case and going to build me a new kitchen this summer......whoo hoo!!

On a whim, I entered a contest to win a Le Creuset 3.5 quart round French Oven.

AND I FUCKING WON IT!!

SUCK THAT, EVIL SUCKAGE OF THE UNIVERSE.

I found out on Friday afternoon.....so my entire weekend has been bathed in the glow of....wait for it.....

WINNING!!!!!

Sorry....I couldn't help myself.

Oh, and I broke in a massive case of hives THE DAY BEFORE I WAS LOSING MY HEALTH INSURANCE. Nothing like begging your way into a doctor's office for an emergency appointment when you've got 24 hours (or less) of medical eligibility left.

Skipping back a week or so, we ran our March Madness brackets here at home....

Me, Batman & the Tiny Titan.

AND I'VE GOT THE CHAMPIONSHIP BELT BACK, BABY!!

Duh.......winning!!!!

I also did something that I thought I'd never have to do.

I signed up for unemployment benefits.

different kind of fine

2011-03-09T14:12:00.000-05:00

The stress is finally getting to me. I promised myself that my blog posts wouldn't devolve into a pity party. Why me why me why me blah blah blah blah.

I've been working hard to stay on my WW plan....and following my C25K workouts. I have been rewarded with a 12 lb. loss since I started in January. Today I am wearing a pair of jeans to work that three weeks ago were too snug to be comfortable. Yesterday I went on a job interview wearing a suit that previously looked, and felt, a size too small.

I'm taking these positives wherever I can find them.

Last night's workout was a five minute warm up walk, a twenty-five minute run, and a five minute cool down walk. I purposefully do NOT look at the next workout in my app plan, because, knowing me, I'd just be dreading the inevitable. The workouts haven't yet repeated themselves, so imagine my surprise when last night's workout was the same as the previous one. ACK! I almost passed out before I even got on the treadmill!

I figured I'd give it a go and run at a pace faster than I'd ever tried....4.2 mph (a 14.17 mile). And...I DID IT!! I literally threw my arms in the air and stage whispered "YES" at the end of the run. I checked the treadmill....1.75 miles without stopping.

I am so proud of myself.

I should end the story there. It's a great post. Nice and tidy and wrapped in a bow.

And then the endorphins kicked in. I felt the lump rise in my throat as a I walked back to the locker room. I sat down on the bench in front of the locker, turned the key in the lock, and began to cry. And I couldn't stop the flow of tears as they streamed over my hot and sweaty cheeks. I was powerless to stifle the sob escaping from my lungs.

And I knew that it is all coming down crashing around me. I found out a friend of mine is expecting a baby...and that unleashed all of the inner sadness that I thought I had buried. I wallowed in my sadness for another five minutes or so, got up, washed my face and walked out into the cold night air.

One day I will conquer that. But in the meantime, I'll be the one crying on the treadmill after I finish my workout. Just throw me a tissue and give me five minutes. I'll meet you outside after I'm done.....

Tiny Titan

2011-03-03T11:53:00.002-05:00

Damn. When I really am in full-on avoidance, I don't post worth a shit. I'm two weeks away from unemployment with no new job on the horizon. My stress level is thru the roof and I'm no longer sleeping.

But I've lost ten pounds since January between WW & my C25K workouts at the Y. PLUS...in the ultimate irony....I somehow managed to be selected as the Fitness Facility Tracking Winner for my company for the month of January and scored a $100 VISA gift card. I plan to spend it foolishly.

Yesterday I went to pick up the Tiny Titan from school and head down to Hebrew School. The drive usually takes between 15-20 minutes depending on the traffic. I use the time to ask him about his day, what he liked, how much homework he has, etc. Here's a recap of part of our chat:

Me - How was your day?

TT - Fine. Jeremy had his lungs taken out, so he wasn't in school today.

Me - His WHAT?? HIS LUNGS??!!??

TT - Yeah, his lungs. Why, is that bad??

Me - HIS LUNGS??!!?? Are you sure about that??

TT - Yeah, his lungs.

At this point, I'm almost crashing my car from the disbelief and laughter because there is no way that Jeremy had his lungs removed. At the red light, I swivel around in my seat and ask again, "HIS LUNGS?????"

To which the TT points to HIS THROAT and says, "Yeah. His lungs."

I now realize that he means "TONSILS" and then explain the difference to TT. His response?

TT - I didn't know that I have tonsils. All I know is that I've got nuts and a butt.

And that pretty much sums up any man I know.

Good night folks, I'll be here all week. Don't forget to tip your servers.

woman on the verge...

2011-02-08T13:53:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned that I will be joining the ranks of the unemployed March 18th?

TPTB made a "business decision" to close my office. I'm so disgusted that the people who hired me didn't have the balls to call me or at least email me to discuss the decision.

Fucking assholes.

I have been under incredible amounts of stress trying to find a job. I have attempted to eliminate said stress by staying on my WW plan and consistently exercising. And not binge eating. Or crying.

There are days when I'm fine and everything seems quite manageable. And there are days, like rightnowthisveryminute, that I feel like if I get a wrong look or hear the wrong song on the radio, that I will dissolve into a pool of hysteric tears.

We are fortunate in that we have (in no particular order) our health, our son, our home and our happiness (most of the time). Money and future security.....not so much.

And when the weight of the day sneaks up on me...like with the realization that I have less than six weeks of work left...I just want to put my head on my desk and cry.

I'm not someone who puts stock in prayer. I cannot hear someone tell me that they "pray on it" without rolling my eyes so far back into my head that I've become a zombie. I can only do what I can and hope that my actions result in a positive result.

In the meantime, if you can't find me, I might be curled in a fetal position immobile on my couch with my dog. At least she doesn't give me any shit or ask me why I haven't found a job yet.

last week catch-up & January recaps....

2011-02-01T13:41:00.000-05:00

In no particular order.....

I stuck to my WW plan about 75% of the time...net result was minus 6.2 lbs. for the month - YAY!!
I made a concerted effort to get to the gym everyday in January....but this winter weather has NOT been helpful. I think I made it to the gym about 50% of the time.
I started my C25K program during the last week of January - and survived!
I checked out the Broad Street Run as something to work towards for NEXT YEAR. I then began hyperventilating as I read this page.
I did not work on any boxes. Huge argument this past weekend. :-(
We discovered we had mice - YUCK. Batman managed to trap four of them in a three day span and we haven't seen any others (or evidence thereof) so I'm hoping we've got them all. It was like a Siberian deathcamp outside my garage.....
The Tiny Titan had his Third Grade Consecration event at synagogue....and I was truly kvelling.
During last week's snow event, we got snowed in at our friends' house - and I drank lots and lots of white wine and actually relaxed for a night. I baked (and brought with me) some amazing banana / peanut butter swirl cupcakes with chocolate frosting. OMFG.
I did go to the Y the next day to work off the aforementioned cupcakes. And wine.
And I still hate "weather events" that involve incredible amounts of wind and / or rain.
Lastly.....I'm going to find the kid that keeps praying for snow and beat the crap out of him / her. Or at least tie them up and throw them in a locked closet until May.

newsflash...i didn't die last night!!!

2011-01-25T14:38:00.000-05:00

NEWSFLASH....................

I WENT RUNNING...............................................

AND I SURVIVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I took a deep breath and gave my new Couch to 5K app a whirl.

And did I mention.......I DIDN'T DIE!!!!!!

I broke out the old running shoes with the old orthotic inserts....put on the new jog bra I purchased (three cups sizes too small, so I was strapped in so tight it was like I was wearing Kevlar).....drove over to the Y and gave it a go!

I really liked the app - a pleasant woman's voice told me when I should WALK or RUN.....I truly laughed out loud when she told me that I was HALFWAY DONE!!

Once she announced that it was time for the FINAL RUN, I could have leaped for joy.

I'm going to stick with it....so let's see where I end up in nine weeks when this part of the experiment is over!

But......I WENT RUNNING!!!!!!! Or at least, something close to it :-)

sybil...meet sybil....

2011-01-21T15:14:00.000-05:00

My iPhone and I are having a fabulous relationship...except sometimes I feel like it's cheating on me. With me.

Let me explain.

I attempt to be exact about adding dates & events onto my iPhone calendar. Except twice (!!) in recent memory, I have either forgotten something altogether, or completely misjudged when the event was supposed to occur.

It happened AGAIN last night. I've been discussing with some new friends from synagogue that we should plan a family get-together following an event that the kids will attend this coming Sunday. I've had several conversations with them AND Batman and consults with my calendar, and I even wrote a check to reserve a spot for the Tiny Titan. At the same time, I've had several conversations with my mother about an outing she and my Dad are taking TT on in Center City this coming Sunday.

How is it that I wasn't able to connect the two as a CONFLICT until last night @ 11:00 pm?

Shit!

I hate when I do stuff like this! It's like two different people are in my head at the same time, working independently from each other.

It's like pregnancy brain, only I'm not. It's gotta be the stress.

Or....early Alzheimer's......oy. to. the. vey.

Or....I've finally become a psycho split-personality that my brother always swore I'd become.....

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope.

2011-01-18T12:59:00.000-05:00

Carrie Fisher said what I feel:

"I'm fat," says Fisher, 54. "All the clothes in my closet belong to another chick. They have to make a new alphabet for my bra size."

Granted, she is now getting paid to lose weight with Jenny Craig.......but the bra size comment really struck a chord with me.

I haven't been able to shop for bras in a "regular" size for years. I've been one of those people whose bra size never seemed to get smaller.

Go on the pill - your boobs will shrink. They didn't.

Go off the pill - your boobs will shrink. They didn't.

After you have the Tiny Titan...you should nurse - your boobs will shrink. They didn't.

Are you figuring this out yet?

While this might fit into the category of "we always want what we do not have" trust me when I say....I have it....lots of it....and I'd like to get rid of it.

You can read the rest of the Carrie Fisher article here in People Magazine online.

these are the things I know I know....these are the things I know

2011-01-18T11:48:00.000-05:00

when I'm at the beach, I will eat too much. Hors d'oeuvres are my crack
when I'm with my parents, I will eat too much. Emotional eater, table for one!
when I'm at the beach with my parents.....well....you get the point. All bets are off.....

I took the Tiny Titan downnashore for the four-day weekend. Last week, I made a monumental effort to work out every day and eat to plan. And the weekend came and once my parents arrived and no matter how well my intentions were, I didn't track a damn thing I ate.

My scale showed a minimal drop. Like....if I drank a glass a water, there would be no loss at all.

So what! I'm taking it. See...39 Project means "DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP!" So, I'm not.

On the positive side of things, TT and I had a blast. We had a killer walk on the beach and found some great shells. We went shopping and both scored some great bargains. We took a drive to Ocean City (NJ) and had a fun walk on the boards....and shopped...and ate some awesome pizza.

Even TT admitted he was having fun.

I also know:

spending QT with TT makes it all better....
forward progress is still progress even if its two steps ahead and one step back
I can do this. It's just going to take a while......

come monday, it'll be alright

2011-01-10T14:06:00.000-05:00

If it's my birthday and there is still steak on the plate after I'm already stuffed.....I will still eat it.

There's a metaphor for my life in there somewhere, but I haven't found it yet.

Big weekend recap:

Dinner Friday night was exactly as I expected. Lots of great food, drinks & big laughs. Even after making an attempt at ordering "to plan," I did not even bother to count points or add to my tracker.

Saturday was exciting - waking up to snow that wasn't supposed to arrive until later in the day was a bit panic-inducing, but thankfully, everyone made it to the Tiny Titan's birthday party! It was a big hit - the kids loved it and the parents thought Batman and I were brilliant (we are, you know) for reserving such a creative space (an old-school pinball arcade - supporting local small business...YAY!) and being economical at the same time.

I was thinking that I'd never get to the gym - and I didn't - but instead of freaking out about it, we ran errands that involved lots of walking...shopping @ the outlets for bargains. I found just about everything that I was looking for - and scored some awesome bargains along the way. Little rewards to myself for sticking to the Plan.

Sunday was crazy, too. Hebrew School for the Tiny Titan, and we had his parent/teacher conference. I gotta hand it to TT - he is acing Hebrew School. His teacher (an Orthodox Persian woman in her early 60s) LOVES him and is so amazed at his progress...as am I. I am so proud that he has jumped in and risen to the challenges that are presented to him.

After we finished, we headed up to Harrisburg to the PA Farm Show. Again - I knew ahead of time that there was no way I'd make it to the gym, so I made sure we planned for lots of walking....which we did! I found out after the fact that there was a walking challenge for kids, and TT wanted to do it, but we were headed OUT when we stumbled across it....no way were we going to walk the entire show AGAIN. Oh well....there is always next year, and Batman said he wants to go back.....

So - Monday is my "scale" day. I made great progress, and even with my weekend indiscretions, I managed to lose a few. Score one for a step in the right direction!

Now....if I could only get a box dealt with.....yikes.....

i'm not martha, buddy or duff....

2011-01-07T14:19:00.000-05:00

Combine reading too many baking blogs and watching too many cake shows on TV, add a dash of bravado and a pinch of insanity....and you've got....ME!

We are having the Tiny Titan's 9th birthday party on Saturday. I made two chocolate 9 x 13 cakes (from a mix - these kids really aren't going to care a whit about taste)....and then I leveled them myself!!

I frosted the bottom layer, added the second cake, frosted the outside and then planned out my masterpiece, sketching it out on paper. JustJenn always plans out her stuff on paper beforehand, and since she's got the mad skillz (architect AND baking) I figured that was a smart tip to follow.

Starting with these:

I made this:

Please forgive the limited editing skillz for the photo. Photoshopper, I'm not.

But, hey, that looks pretty close to a pinball table! Score one for Mom!!

the 39 Project

2011-01-07T13:55:00.000-05:00

Over the past year, I've attempted a few things in fits and starts, completing none.

Well - I baked a few cakes and made some cookies, so those were start-to-finish projects.

But I've referenced other ones.

Unpacking.

Eating better.

Exercising.

All of these things have the same underlying issues. First - they all require my undivided attention. Second - I have, at one point or another, attempted each one with zeal and enthusiasm, only to fade with a whimper. Lastly - if I don't attend to these things NOW, Batman will have justifiable grounds to inflict bodily harm on me. Or at least rent a dumpster and get rid of everything.

On a side note - it SUCKS sometimes having your birthday so close to the New Year. It makes it really hard to stick to the diet plans when you keep telling yourself, "It's just this one time because it's my birthday." And then suddenly, the key lime pie is gone and bottle of wine is in the trash.

Whoops.

Plus - birthdays make you stop and reflect on where you are going & where you have been. Just like New Years Resolutions, you are forced to take stock on the Current State of Me. 364 days until I'm 40. Couple a birthday-before-a-milestone and New-Years-Resolutions and you've got a one hell of a hangover.

Like an addict about to walk into rehab, I spent my last weekend of 2010 with friends....relaxing, eating and drinking to my hearts content.

And then, on the drive home, I came to the realization that it was time to put myself first. Because, if I don't take care of ME, there won't be any more ME around to take care of.

On Monday, I logged back onto the WW site to immerse myself into their new program.

On Monday, I packed the gym bag and went off to the YMCA.

I've got less than three months before I'm out of a job. This is my Spring Training before Opening Day.

I've got my everyday goals:

stay on my WW plan
exercise every day - but don't worry if I skip one day
empty ONE box a day

My short term goals:

Couch to 5 K
lose a dress size or two
work on the rooms one at a time

And my long term goals:

RUN a 5 K
lose more than two dress sizes

My dry run this week was a success, and I'm having my birthday dinner tonight, running the Tiny Titan's birthday party on Saturday, and attending the big Pennsylvania Farm Show on Sunday (all the cows you can see and PA-local food you can eat!).

I'm ready to launch my 39 Project on Monday.

housekeeping

2011-01-06T15:51:00.001-05:00

Catching up and cleaning out.

I never posted about my Thanksgiving baking creation. I made Libby's Sour Cream Pumpkin Bundt Cake. It was....ehhhhhh. Unremarkable. Probably because (a) the taste was reminiscent of a spice cake I ate for my last breakfast in Israel when I was 12 1/2, which I promptly threw up due to airsickness from Tel Aviv to Heathrow to New York...as in I THREW UP FOR THE ENTIRETY OF BOTH FLIGHTS, and (b) it did not look like the picture! The streusel sank to the bottom (rose to the top when I flipped it over), so it did not have that tunnel o'streusel taste I was hoping for.

In my obsessive-perfectionsist mind, since it wasn't PERFECT, I didn't want to add it onto the blog. But then, I couldn't move forward until I added it. Endless cycle on the hamster wheel.

Ok. Whew! Done.

Moving along......

I want to know, when the shit hits the fan, why does it hit EVERYTHING??!!?? (she maniacally types this while listening to Metallica's Master of Puppets)

Batman found out just before Thanksgiving that he would be out of a job 3/31/11. Two weeks later, I found out that I would be out of job 3/31/11.

Add to that my aforementioned fear of PUTTING ANYTHING IN WRITING SO AS NOT TO TEMPT THE FATES....and you get.......me stress eating my way thru November and December. Plus ten pounds for you, sucka!

This should give you an idea of what was getting me thru my days.....

I'll skip the gory parts, only to get to the ending of Part One....Batman thankfully found a new job (closer to home, slight pay cut, but hope for stability and job security) and he starts next Monday.

Part Two...I'm still in the Matrix, dodging bullets.

Next............

I did do some other baking between Thanksgiving and New Year's. I was making a platter of my mom's secret recipe brownies in bite-size pieces (sorry - can't post the recipe) for our friends holiday party, but I wanted something else to accompany them. Chocolately brownies....meet peanut buttery cookies :-) I made peanut butter KISS cookies:

I don't know why this pic keeps uploading sideways, but I can't rotate it. You get the idea.

The best part of cooking the peanut butter batter....was the peanut butter! Plus - Kirby got to lick the spatula when I was done....

She was licking the rubber scraper so hard I was laughing and could not hold my iPhone steady. So....blurry action shot it is!

That pretty much brings me up to today.

It's my birthday.

I'm 39.

Next project.....how much progress can one woman make on herself before her 40th birthday?

we've secretly replaced your blogger with a baker & new improved flavor crystals

2010-11-23T10:51:00.001-05:00

So....what had happened was....I'm now baking?!?! WTF????

Since I made my bundt cake for Mary the Food Librarian's National Bundt Day 2010, I have found myself baking....TWICE. WITHIN ONE WEEK. This is not a usual occurrence 'round this here parts.

The first was a cop-out. I went to get bananas at my grocery store, and next to the bananas, they had a prepackaged mix for banana bread that calls for overripe bananas, plus an egg and water. I swear, I'm such an impulse buyer. I did want to make banana bread, but did not feel like searching up my old recipe (that LITERALLY could have taken me 90 seconds to pull out of a cookbook...jeez....) so I thought I'd give the mix a try. It was quick, it was easy and I even threw in some chocolate chips. We've been nibbling on it all week. Yum.

The second will be in my next post.....stay tuned for that one.....

But a funny thing happened between my chocolate chip marble bundt and my banana bread.....an old friend called me to chat and catch up. (I'll call him Brian....we change names here to protect the innocent....ha ha ha)

At the end of our talk, Brian told me that this was the happiest he had heard my voice in a while. After I hung up, I did a mental review to see what had happened to me or what I had done different that might possibly have affected my mood....

Had I lost weight? Nope. Probably gained....
Had I been to the gym? Only once....
Had I resolved my stress regarding my job? Not a chance.....it's worse now....
Had I finished any of the projects around the house? No....
Had I unpacked any more boxes? Errr.....uhhhhh....no....

The only thing different was that I was baking. So to test my theory, I made my next recipe.

And even though, baking / cooking in my kitchen highlights EVERYTHING I HATE about my kitchen (it's too small....there is NO counter space....my oven is iffy and inconsistent....the lighting sucks.....I can't fit stuff in my dishwasher, which means I'm washing everything by hand....) which should, in turn, make me more uptight...I was having fun. I was listening to Radio Margaritaville and singing and dancing around the kitchen. I wasn't thinking about the house, the boxes, the diet, the weight, the job stress, the pending drive/visit to my M-I-L's for Thanksgiving.....

I was just baking.

Hey. Check me out.

she likes big bundts

2010-11-15T19:13:00.002-05:00

It's National Bundt Day! I'm in perpetual awe of the killer baking skillz of my oldest and dearest friend, the Night Baker, and thru her blog I've discovered JustJenn with her Recipes and Designs, and now...The Food Librarian.

The Food Librarian makes 30 bundts in 30 days! Awesome, yet crazy, and it all culminates on November 15th - today - National Bundt Day! She challenges her readers to make a bundt to celebrate - and then post the pics & story on the baker's own blog....So - I wanted to play, too!!!

My entry in this awesomely cool event.....is this recipe for Buttercake Bakery's Chocolate Chip Marble Bundt Cake. When The Night Baker first posted this recipe, I commented, "OMG this looks so good." I was going to make a Lemon Bundt Cake but the Tiny Titan complained that he was no longer a lover of the lemons. So - one chocolate chip marble bundt cake, coming up!!

I made the chocolate sauce

I whisked my dry ingredients

I creamed my butter & sugar

I added in my chocolate chips and portioned out 1/3 of my batter which I then added into...

...the chocolate sauce!

I added 1/3 of the vanilla batter into my Bundt pan


Next, I added in the chocolate batter

**props to me for pouring the chocolate batter into the pan with my left hand while I simultaneously snapped this action pic with my iPhone in my right hand....and did not spill any batter!

I added in the remaining vanilla batter and swirled my figure-8s...though hopefully not too much...

Kirby, the Princess Pup, was not amazed, nor amused. After all - there was no chance any of this was going to be eaten by her....

I MADE A MESS!!

I CLEANED IT UP!!

Ooooooh! Ahhhhhh! It's cooling on the rack!

Cooled and ready to eat

Plates and served. Note the fabulous marbling...not bad for my rookie attempt!

It tasted AMAZING! If I hadn't made it myself, I would not have believed that it was homemade. This was so good, that my Pop Pop, the most devoted chocoholic, would have been reduced to tears over this deliciosity. But Batman and the Tiny Titan were just as happy to give it two thumbs up. Waaaaay up!

This was fun - and I'm looking forward to making my Thanksgiving Bundt next weekend.

A special thank you to The Food Librarian, The Night Baker, and JustJenn and her Recipes.

Yo, Dot!

2010-11-08T14:02:00.001-05:00

I've become more involved with my new synagogue. I'm there twice a week to drop the Tiny Titan off for Hebrew School, and I've signed up for two Adult Ed classes that run at or about the same time he is there, so it's convenient for me. I've rebooted my long dormant "server" and am reading Hebrew with halting accuracy as well as learning old prayers with new melodies and new prayers with old melodies. We have attended several services since the High Holy Days (both Friday night and Saturday morning), I've participated in a few Sisterhood events (gack!!) and I'm running into a lot of the same people....people who, though they may not know me by name, know me enough by sight to ask about how I'm enjoying my "life as a brunette" experiment.

Side note - It's ok. But it's not me. Come spring, I'm going to go back to being a blonde.

Our synagogue has a Welcome Booklet that sits in the book slot on the back of the pews, and it's written very appealingly, for the Jew and non-Jew alike. One of the memorable passages describes prayer akin to deep meditation, and to approach prayers as opening yourself up to a trancelike state so as to commune better with G-d.

The old me would have laughed and asked when we were going to pass the bong around.

Except, now, I have twice found myself moved to tears during services. Both times were random (at least to me) and both times I felt like it was Grandmom who was with me.

I have no living grandparents. My maternal grandfather died before I was born, and I'm named after him. My maternal grandmother, Nana, died when I was back living with my parents before I moved in with my fiance (now husband). I was there the night she died - I had to drive my mom to my uncle's house where she died - and I can still recall how she looked laying in the bed...mouth slightly open and eyes closed, like she was sleeping, but still trying to breathe. Her death was not unexpected, but one we all hoped would occur, if only to end an existence that we knew she would have despised.

When my paternal Grandmom died, I was there with her in Florida. Just thinking about it and I am crying. It was horrible, though she died peacefully and on her own terms, and I've never gotten over it. When Pop-Pop died earlier this year, I was sad, but he, too, was living a miserable existence. My dad and aunt had moved him into an assisted living facility, but he used to tell Batman, "This isn't assisted living. It's assisted dying." Oy vey, Pop. But he was right.

So when I find myself letting go in services, into a trancelike state while closing my eyes and listening to the melody of the prayer, the first person I find myself thinking of is Grandmom. During the Yom Kippur Kol Nidre service, I read the words:

ברוך אתה ה׳...מחיה המתים
Barukh Ata Adonai, Mechayei ha-metim
"Praised are You, O Lord, who grants immortality to the departed"

and I felt like I was hit with a 2x4 across the chest and had the wind knocked out of me.

This past Saturday, it was the Rabbi discussing how so much of our religion is passed on via oral and practical tradition. An elderly congregant was saying how sad she was to be getting old, and that the feel of the older traditions, and the way she was raised, was lost to the past, never to be recaptured. And hearing her words, I felt Gram was sitting next to me, her hand clasped in mine.

I don't know if this is a newfound maturity, or clarity, or that I'm grasping for assistance and looking for guidance from any available outlet. Or - I'm still depressed about a few specific things and have not yet found a way to "get over" them.

Regardless, even with the brunette hair that makes me look more like Gram in her younger years, I still miss her terribly. And that. really. sucks.

wherein I'm no longer going to be shunned....

2010-08-16T14:43:00.001-04:00

We finally did it. After procrastinating for a year, we have joined a synagogue. Who knew that there are so little Jews in Chester County...and yet, there were several Conservative synagogues to choose from???

Side note. I had wanted to establish a little ground rules about this here blog. Firstly - writing on this blog is something that I do about as frequently as I do laundry. Which is to say, every few months or so. Which brings me to secondly - I don't do laundry because my husband does it for me, late night when the rest of the house is sleeping. But he-who-is-the-launderer should have a name here - I'm going with Batman. And the kid we've got...he'll be known henceforth as The Tiny Titan. Trust me - it works.

So - side note over - Batman and I had belonged to a synagogue in Florida that was very similar in size, ambiance and feel to the synagogue that I grew up in, was bat-mitzvah'ed in and we were married in. We joined when I was pregnant with The Tiny Titan - funds were limited and we could either join the JCC or join a synagogue. Knowing my previous track records with gyms, I figured I'd get more of a (cerebral) workout at High Holidays than I'd ever get at the JCC. Thus began the Great Payments Towards Spiritual Enlightenment...also known as the Building Fund.

I have a personal distaste for the fact that synagogues charge money for membership AND the building fund. The BF is a lovely euphemism for YOUR SHARE OF OUR OVERPRICED MORTGAGE. But - it's part and parcel with all synagogues, and we dutifully paid in our FIVE YEARS WORTH. And then....WE DECIDED TO MOVE TO PHILLY.

And our BF money? Well - that stayed in Florida....kind of poetic, since actually all our money stayed in Florida. But that's another story for another day.

Now we find ourselves in the position of paying into, yet another, BF. Batman made an excellent point last week. Once you, as a Jew in Good Standing With the World, fully pay into a BF, you should be exempt from any new BFs no matter where you affiliate. Oy vey. We should be so lucky.

Now we get to get The Tiny Titan ready for Hebrew School. And not just on Sundays, where kids play and color and eat challah and drink grape juice. We're heading for the big leagues now, kiddo. Twice-a-week, speaking-and-reading-Hebrew, prayer-learning and tuchas-squirming HEBREW SCHOOL. Ahhh....let the games begin!

powerless

2010-06-30T14:32:00.000-04:00

We had some pretty nasty storms blow thru here last Thursday. The power (and water) went out and wasn't restored until late Saturday. Then a second storm blew thru Sunday night around 10 pm and we lost power again. Scary is the sound the wind makes as its blowing onto the house. Terrifying is the sound of trees (not branches....TREES) snapping apart like matchsticks. Add total darkness to that and you've got the recipe for a full blown panic attack. Another five minutes and I was headed for the secret stash of wonder drugs that I've got squirreled away (expiration dates be damned).

And yet, in the midst of all this, I kept thinking, "I'm alive. This may suck and scare the shit out of me, but I'm alive. And Pete is dead. He will never feel another thing ever again."

All weekend, no matter what I was doing, that was the reel that kept replaying. And I was powerless to stop it.

PJK

2010-06-24T09:45:00.000-04:00

A friend and former co-worker took his own life over the weekend.

I am sad that he thought that, whatever the problem was, it could not be resolved by any other means.

I am angry at his selfishness and his decision to leave his young wife a widow and his young children fatherless. He will never see them grow up, or get married, or lead a life all on their own.

The life path of so many people has been irrevocably altered because of one action by one person.

Pete - I hope you found the peace you were looking for.

thinking postitive

2010-06-21T09:03:00.000-04:00

Make a list of successes.
List five things you’re doing now that you weren’t doing a month ago.

working on unpacking boxes
entering what I eat into my tracker
drinking more water
walking every day
eating more fruits & veggies

circle game

2010-06-17T14:22:00.000-04:00

I've been here before. And I'll be here again. Round and round I go.

What is it in my DNA that makes me feel 110%-fullspeedahead-COMMITTED to something.

And then.....not so much.

We've been in the house a year. And I'm still not "living" there. I've got a basement and a garage FULL of boxes...the "office" looks like an episode of Hoarders...and I still haven't found a ton of stuff. Well - I know where the stuff is. It's in the boxes, of course.

My professional life is in limbo - which is why I'm surprised that I, the consummate control freak, have left my personal to-do list in a state of perpetual disarray. I have control over my personal life - I just have not done anything about it.

And I do know why. I'm angry. Angry in a selfish, stupid, childish, arrogant, and greedy way. Angry at the world, and angry at myself. But I'm still angry. And the anger has manifested itself into every nook and cranny of my being. I'm trying to let go of it. Really. But I just can't seem to shake it.

So, once again, I find myself trying to hit the reset button.

Have I mentioned that I've been here before?

My rational mind knows that the best way to eat the elephant is to take one bite at a time. But when my emotional mind looks at the mountain of goals that I've irrationally set in front of me, I figure, it's all or nothing. Succeed at all or fail. I can't seem to find that area in the middle, where two steps ahead and one step back is not considered a failure.

I need to get my head right with this. I need to let go of the anger, the sadness. But how do you unwire and rewire your DNA? I've got almost 40 years of living this way. I know I must have been a happy kid. A better person. A different person. Where did that seismic shift happen? When? Should I make a new set of goals and try to learn a new set of expectations? If I put my mental "to do list" in writing, then it's concrete and can't be ignored, right? Will that work?? WILL IT????

reunion

2009-11-30T13:39:00.002-05:00

As part of my ongoing (yet slowly executing) plan to better myself, I made a conscious decision to be a part of my high school's 20th reunion planning committee.

This might not be a drastic decision for most people. I am not most people. I did not like high school...or rather, I didn't like kind of people who went there. (I never disliked anyone....I just never felt like I was liked.) I felt like I didn't fit in. I moved into the area in March of 6th grade....most of my classmates had been together for 6 years already.....and that feeling of belonging never materialized for me.

My high school was a public school that behaved private. Rich kids getting BMWs for their 16th birthday. Cliques more rigid than the caste system in India. When I graduated, I ran out the door vowing never to come back. Ha - that big chomping noise you are hearing is life coming back to bite me in the ass again.

When we moved back to the Philly area, it was very surreal, and I kept thinking I would run into people from high school at every turn. It didn't quite turn out that way...but when I found out that my high school reunion committee was meeting at a hotel bar LITERALLY 200 yards from my office building, I felt I needed to put on my big-girl pants and reconcile my past head on.

It has been the slow re-entry back to the past and trying to make peace with my teenage years. The more meetings we had, the more enthused I felt about the reunion event. I've been pretty nervous about the whole thing - like I desperately want the cool kids to like me....or better....to be ONE OF THEM.

Our event was Saturday night. I presented well...though I (subconsiously??) did not find myself in front of a photographer the whole night. The few pics that were taken of me I was not happy with. I still felt like I crashed the cool kid party while the parents were out of town....but at least I made the effort.

Baby steps.....

The next step...

2009-08-24T13:40:00.003-04:00

Angst alone is embarrassing and hard to deal with.

Angst in a blog is worse. It's trifling. Trivializing. Makes the author seem insecure and pathetic.

So why put this in writing? Memorialized for the ages?

Beats the hell out me.

People blog for all sorts of reasons. Sometimes, I feel like a struggling writer who has a novel inside her that will someday emerge.... Other times, I feel like I've got these witty bon mots that must be shared. Though - with my sense of humor - there are few who "get" me. I don't blog faithfully, and I don't tell anyone that I'm doing it anyway. I'm doing it for me, to put some moments in my life out there to oxidize and rust into my brain.

When I started this blog - I was at a crossroads. I had all sorts of shit going on that was waaaay out of my control. And I am a classic control freak. So I thought, I'll start this blog and talk about all this crap that I can't control. And the superstitious side of my brain staged an internal coup and declared, "POST THIS AND NOTHING GOOD WILL EVER COME OF YOUR LIFE."

So, I would drive and blog in my head.

I think I've tempted the Fates long enough.

We have moved into our new home, and begun the next chapter. I've hit the giant "reset" button and we are starting our lives over.

And here, it shall begin for me as well.

why do paths cross?

2008-06-08T15:40:00.000-04:00

I had a random event happen on Friday night.

Mom is out of town - so I used her ballet ticket. I met my aunt downtown for dinner and walked to a restaurant that she picked earlier in the week. We debated - sit inside or out? She wanted outside - I thought inside - but decided out would be fine since we could then invite my uncle to meet us (he was unshowered and a bit stinky from a hard day at work).

So - circumstances decided without my choosing:

mom went out of town
aunt picked restaurant
aunt decided to sit outside on the sidewalk

Now - sitting down and drinking a glass a wine, and goddamn if walking right across the street from me was my ex from college who I have not seen in 12 years.

Holy f**k.

There is a great scene in the movie Music and Lyrics where Drew Barrymore's character has a terrible breakup, and has a pre-rehearsed soliloquy to present to her ex whenever she finally confronts him.

I wish I had that.

I ended up grabbing my brass balls and walking across the street. Stumbled thru a few awkward sentences, and then realized that I was speaking to someone who appeared to NOT want to talk to me. I made a graceful exit and walked back to dinner.

Here's what I learned. He looked the same, albeit with less hair. He was smoking (!) which was odd - because if I remember college correctly, I think I was the one who got him smoking in the first place. And he looked awkward.

Well, I did bum-rush him on the Streets of Philadelphia.

Later that night, I told my husband that I saw him and he asked me how I felt. I couldn't verbalize it then, but three days later I can. I felt surprised - sad - and then somewhat nostalgic for college. And then, like gas, the feeling passed.

So - I will thank the Universe for lining up Circumstances, and letting me know that....paths cross to remind you of the past, to make you content of the present and excited for the future.

in the beginning...

2008-06-06T13:11:00.000-04:00

I moved. We moved. The family - husband, son, dog - and I decided we wanted something else. Something better. So - we started the transition, and the upheaval, and every rollercoaster emotion began to course thru my veins.

Before I left the old homestead (still for sale...ugh), my one-get-together-a-month girlfriends gave me a charm bracelet.

Three charms.

A die (single dice) symbolizes the reason we get together once a month. Our favorite game of chance - Bunko.

A Jewish star - because I am.

Hearts.

Luck. Faith. Love.

More to follow.......