Thursday, June 17, 2010

circle game

I've been here before.  And I'll be here again.  Round and round I go.

What is it in my DNA that makes me feel 110%-fullspeedahead-COMMITTED to something.

And then.....not so much.

We've been in the house a year.  And I'm still not "living" there.  I've got a basement and a garage FULL of boxes...the "office" looks like an episode of Hoarders...and I still haven't found a ton of stuff.  Well - I know where the stuff is.  It's in the boxes, of course.

My professional life is in limbo - which is why I'm surprised that I, the consummate control freak, have left my personal to-do list in a state of perpetual disarray.  I have control over my personal life - I just have not done anything about it.

And I do know why.  I'm angry.  Angry in a selfish, stupid, childish, arrogant, and greedy way.  Angry at the world, and angry at myself.  But I'm still angry.  And the anger has manifested itself into every nook and cranny of my being.  I'm trying to let go of it.  Really.  But I just can't seem to shake it.

So, once again, I find myself trying to hit the reset button.

Have I mentioned that I've been here before?

My rational mind knows that the best way to eat the elephant is to take one bite at a time.  But when my emotional mind looks at the mountain of goals that I've irrationally set in front of me, I figure, it's all or nothing.  Succeed at all or fail.  I can't seem to find that area in the middle, where two steps ahead and one step back is not considered a failure.

I need to get my head right with this.  I need to let go of the anger, the sadness.  But how do you unwire and rewire your DNA?  I've got almost 40 years of living this way.  I know I must have been a happy kid.  A better person.  A different person.  Where did that seismic shift happen?  When?  Should I make a new set of goals and try to learn a new set of expectations?  If I put my mental "to do list" in writing, then it's concrete and can't be ignored, right?  Will that work??  WILL IT????

1 comment:

jami said...

I was JUST thinking (about an hour ago) about how you've been in your house a year, and wondering whether you really feel that you live there yet.

Guess what? You may be angry - and for some very good reasons - but you're darn good at expressing it. And that is a really good thing. If you can name it, you can figure out a way to beat it. And while one bite of the elephant at a time is a gross metaphor, it's apt.

I don't think you need to rewire your DNA and become someone - or something - else. You're pretty great at being you. But you may need different tools or tricks to get back to a happier place. I don't know if you were a happier kid, and I certainly don't think you were a better person. I have seen you grow and mature in amazing ways over the years. Just keep on keeping on. You are doing all the right stuff, and it's gotten you this far; it will get you the rest of the way there.

And a margarita can't hurt, either.