I've been here before. And I'll be here again. Round and round I go.
What is it in my DNA that makes me feel 110%-fullspeedahead-COMMITTED to something.
And then.....not so much.
We've been in the house a year. And I'm still not "living" there. I've got a basement and a garage FULL of boxes...the "office" looks like an episode of Hoarders...and I still haven't found a ton of stuff. Well - I know where the stuff is. It's in the boxes, of course.
My professional life is in limbo - which is why I'm surprised that I, the consummate control freak, have left my personal to-do list in a state of perpetual disarray. I have control over my personal life - I just have not done anything about it.
And I do know why. I'm angry. Angry in a selfish, stupid, childish, arrogant, and greedy way. Angry at the world, and angry at myself. But I'm still angry. And the anger has manifested itself into every nook and cranny of my being. I'm trying to let go of it. Really. But I just can't seem to shake it.
So, once again, I find myself trying to hit the reset button.
Have I mentioned that I've been here before?
My rational mind knows that the best way to eat the elephant is to take one bite at a time. But when my emotional mind looks at the mountain of goals that I've irrationally set in front of me, I figure, it's all or nothing. Succeed at all or fail. I can't seem to find that area in the middle, where two steps ahead and one step back is not considered a failure.
I need to get my head right with this. I need to let go of the anger, the sadness. But how do you unwire and rewire your DNA? I've got almost 40 years of living this way. I know I must have been a happy kid. A better person. A different person. Where did that seismic shift happen? When? Should I make a new set of goals and try to learn a new set of expectations? If I put my mental "to do list" in writing, then it's concrete and can't be ignored, right? Will that work?? WILL IT????