woman on the verge...

Have I mentioned that I will be joining the ranks of the unemployed March 18th? 

TPTB made a "business decision" to close my office.  I'm so disgusted that the people who hired me didn't have the balls to call me or at least email me to discuss the decision.

Fucking assholes.

I have been under incredible amounts of stress trying to find a job.  I have attempted to eliminate said stress by staying on my WW plan and consistently exercising.  And not binge eating.  Or crying.

There are days when I'm fine and everything seems quite manageable.  And there are days, like rightnowthisveryminute, that I feel like if I get a wrong look or hear the wrong song on the radio, that I will dissolve into a pool of hysteric tears.

We are fortunate in that we have (in no particular order) our health, our son, our home and our happiness (most of the time).  Money and future security.....not so much.

And when the weight of the day sneaks up on me...like with the realization that I have less than six weeks of work left...I just want to put my head on my desk and cry.

I'm not someone who puts stock in prayer.  I cannot hear someone tell me that they "pray on it" without rolling my eyes so far back into my head that I've become a zombie.  I can only do what I can and hope that my actions result in a positive result.

In the meantime, if you can't find me, I might be curled in a fetal position immobile on my couch with my dog.  At least she doesn't give me any shit or ask me why I haven't found a job yet.

last week catch-up & January recaps....

In no particular order.....

• I stuck to my WW plan about 75% of the time...net result was minus 6.2 lbs. for the month  - YAY!!
• I made a concerted effort to get to the gym everyday in January....but this winter weather has NOT been helpful.  I think I made it to the gym about 50% of the time.
• I started my C25K program during the last week of January - and survived!
• I checked out the Broad Street Run as something to work towards for NEXT YEAR.  I then began hyperventilating as I read this page.
• I did not work on any boxes.  Huge argument this past weekend.  :-(
• We discovered we had mice - YUCK.  Batman managed to trap four of them in a three day span and we haven't seen any others (or evidence thereof) so I'm hoping we've got them all.  It was like a Siberian deathcamp outside my garage.....
• The Tiny Titan had his Third Grade Consecration event at synagogue....and I was truly kvelling.
• During last week's snow event, we got snowed in at our friends' house - and I drank lots and lots of white wine and actually relaxed for a night.  I baked (and brought with me) some amazing banana / peanut butter swirl cupcakes with chocolate frosting.  OMFG.  
• I did go to the Y the next day to work off the aforementioned cupcakes.  And wine.
• And I still hate "weather events" that involve incredible amounts of wind and / or rain.  
• Lastly.....I'm going to find the kid that keeps praying for snow and beat the crap out of him / her.  Or at least tie them up and throw them in a locked closet until May.

newsflash...i didn't die last night!!!

NEWSFLASH....................

I WENT RUNNING...............................................

AND I SURVIVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I took a deep breath and gave my new Couch to 5K app a whirl.

And did I mention.......I DIDN'T DIE!!!!!!

I broke out the old running shoes with the old orthotic inserts....put on the new jog bra I purchased (three cups sizes too small, so I was strapped in so tight it was like I was wearing Kevlar).....drove over to the Y and gave it a go!

I really liked the app - a pleasant woman's voice told me when I should WALK or RUN.....I truly laughed out loud when she told me that I was HALFWAY DONE!! 

Once she announced that it was time for the FINAL RUN, I could have leaped for joy. 

I'm going to stick with it....so let's see where I end up in nine weeks when this part of the experiment is over!

But......I WENT RUNNING!!!!!!!  Or at least, something close to it :-)

sybil...meet sybil....

My iPhone and I are having a fabulous relationship...except sometimes I feel like it's cheating on me.  With me.

Let me explain.

I attempt to be exact about adding dates & events onto my iPhone calendar.  Except twice (!!) in recent memory, I have either forgotten something altogether, or completely misjudged when the event was supposed to occur.

It happened AGAIN last night.  I've been discussing with some new friends from synagogue that we should plan a family get-together following an event that the kids will attend this coming Sunday. I've had several conversations with them AND Batman and consults with my calendar, and I even wrote a check to reserve a spot for the Tiny Titan.  At the same time, I've had several conversations with my mother about an outing she and my Dad are taking TT on in Center City this coming Sunday.

How is it that I wasn't able to connect the two as a CONFLICT until last night @ 11:00 pm?

Shit!

I hate when I do stuff like this!  It's like two different people are in my head at the same time, working independently from each other.

It's like pregnancy brain, only I'm not. It's gotta be the stress.

Or....early Alzheimer's......oy. to. the. vey.

Or....I've finally become a psycho split-personality that my brother always swore I'd become.....

Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi; you're my only hope.

Carrie Fisher said what I feel:

"I'm fat," says Fisher, 54. "All the clothes in my closet belong to another chick. They have to make a new alphabet for my bra size." 

Granted, she is now getting paid to lose weight with Jenny Craig.......but the bra size comment really struck a chord with me.

I haven't been able to shop for bras in a "regular" size for years.  I've been one of those people whose bra size never seemed to get smaller.

Go on the pill - your boobs will shrink.  They didn't.

Go off the pill - your boobs will shrink.  They didn't.

After you have the Tiny Titan...you should nurse - your boobs will shrink.  They didn't.

Are you figuring this out yet?

While this might fit into the category of "we always want what we do not have"  trust me when I say....I have it....lots of it....and I'd like to get rid of it.

You can read the rest of the Carrie Fisher article here in People Magazine online.

these are the things I know I know....these are the things I know

• when I'm at the beach, I will eat too much.  Hors d'oeuvres are my crack
• when I'm with my parents, I will eat too much.  Emotional eater, table for one!
• when I'm at the beach with my parents.....well....you get the point.  All bets are off.....

I took the Tiny Titan downnashore for the four-day weekend.  Last week, I made a monumental effort to work out every day and eat to plan.  And the weekend came and once my parents arrived and no matter how well my intentions were, I didn't track a damn thing I ate.

My scale showed a minimal drop.  Like....if I drank a glass a water, there would be no loss at all.

So what!  I'm taking it.  See...39 Project means "DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP!"  So, I'm not.

On the positive side of things, TT and I had a blast.  We had a killer walk on the beach and found some great shells.  We went shopping and both scored some great bargains.  We took a drive to Ocean City (NJ) and had a fun walk on the boards....and shopped...and ate some awesome pizza.

Even TT admitted he was having fun.

I also know:

• spending QT with TT makes it all better....
• forward progress is still progress even if its two steps ahead and one step back
• I can do this.  It's just going to take a while......

come monday, it'll be alright

If it's my birthday and there is still steak on the plate after I'm already stuffed.....I will still eat it.

There's a metaphor for my life in there somewhere, but I haven't found it yet.

Big weekend recap:

Dinner Friday night was exactly as I expected.  Lots of great food, drinks & big laughs.  Even after making an attempt at ordering "to plan," I did not even bother to count points or add to my tracker. 

Saturday was exciting - waking up to snow that wasn't supposed to arrive until later in the day was a bit panic-inducing, but thankfully, everyone made it to the Tiny Titan's birthday party!    It was a big hit - the kids loved it and the parents thought Batman and I were brilliant (we are, you know) for reserving such a creative space (an old-school pinball arcade - supporting local small business...YAY!) and being economical at the same time. 

I was thinking that I'd never get to the gym - and I didn't - but instead of freaking out about it, we ran errands that involved lots of walking...shopping @ the outlets  for bargains.  I found just about everything that I was looking for - and scored some awesome bargains along the way.  Little rewards to myself for sticking to the Plan.

Sunday was crazy, too.  Hebrew School for the Tiny Titan, and we had his parent/teacher conference. I gotta hand it to TT - he is acing Hebrew School.  His teacher (an Orthodox Persian woman in her early 60s) LOVES him and is so amazed at his progress...as am I.  I am so proud that he has jumped in and risen to the challenges that are presented to him. 

After we finished, we headed up to Harrisburg to the PA Farm Show.  Again - I knew ahead of time that there was no way I'd make it to the gym, so I made sure we planned for lots of walking....which we did!  I found out after the fact that there was a walking challenge for kids, and TT wanted to do it, but we were headed OUT when we stumbled across it....no way were we going to walk the entire show AGAIN.  Oh well....there is always next year, and Batman said he wants to go back.....

So - Monday is my "scale" day.  I made great progress, and even with my weekend indiscretions, I managed to lose a few.  Score one for a step in the right direction!

Now....if I could only get a box dealt with.....yikes.....